Cross Culture Confusion
by WritingByNight
Summary: Completed: In Response to METMA Mandy's challenge. Ron has a bad Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans trip. I don't pretend to understand this either.


A/N: Warning: This is my first METMA challenge, and I think I was high when  
  
I wrote this. Oh well, enjoy! I do hope this is funny....  
  
Here it is:  
  
As many and whoever of the HP characters that you want (that means the sky  
is the limit) are somehow transported to the book, Alice in Wonderland.  
  
Just a few things to remember:  
* must be in txt format. Sorry, but its much easier for me.  
* must be funny. But really, how could you make it * not * funny?  
* must be in to me by June 9. On the 12th I'm leaving for camp, so there  
will not be any newsletters or challenges for a month. Just giving you a  
heads up.  
  
  
Disclaimer: Please, I beg you J.K. with every atom of my Potter loving  
soul,  
don't sue me!!!  
  
Muggle Movies+Wizard Candy=Bad Results  
By: ChoChangGirl  
  
"Hermione! What's the point? The thing's got to be at least a ten years  
olds, Look it's gathering dust!".  
  
A very annoyed Ron Weasley was spending the last few weeks of freedom at  
his friend Hermione Granger's muggle abode. She in turn, has insisted that  
they go through her old things of her childhood, which had peeved Ron to no  
  
end.  
  
"Oh come off it Ron, everyone loves Alice in Wonderland!". Hermione  
exclaimed, dragging Ron to her living room couch. "Well, everyone who's  
seen it. Look, I beat my Perfect badge you'll have fun. And if you must  
have something wizarding to keep you sane-". She added sarcastically. "-eat  
  
some Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans".  
  
  
Ron grumbled something incoherent as Hermione popped the movie into the  
VCR. He pulled out a bag of the wizard candy, and started immediately on  
it, nearly spitting the bean out as the dazzling aroma of video tape  
filled his mouth. As he watched the animated characters dance across the  
screen, he felt his eyes glaze over.  
  
Several Empty Candy Bags Later.............  
  
"Hermione, is it over yet?" Ron asked for the umpteen time.  
  
"It's just beginning, and do be quiet.". Hermione shot back, not peeling  
her eyes away from the Alice chasing after the rabbit.  
  
Ron groaned, he shouldn't have eaten all those beans so fast. Apparently  
Toe Jam, Motor Fluid, and several other disgusting flavors didn't appeal to  
  
his delicate taste. His eyes began to become droopy as Alice chatted  
earnestly with an over-size bug. Feeling more pains of hungry, he popped in  
his mouth a strange purple bean, and closed he closed his eyes.  
  
"OH NO!!! I'm late!!!".  
  
Ron's eyes snapped open to see who of all people, Harry Potter, dashing out  
  
Hermione back door. Hermione herself seemed to be to absorbed by the movie  
to notice. Ron thought fast. What's Harry doing here? He can't come until  
this afternoon. Better go and see what's wrong with the guy. Muttering a  
"I'll  
be right back" to a dazed Hermione who merely waved him away, he went after  
  
The-Boy-Who-Lived.  
  
"The Queen will kill me if I'm late!!!  
  
Harry ran to around Hermione's beech tree, and....disappeared. That's odd.  
Maybe it's a port-key or something. Ron hurried over to the tree, and had  
to fight back a gasp. It was like a magic portal or some other rubbish like  
  
that. The hole back of the tree showed a bright golden field. He saw the  
black haired boy quickly making his way though the grassy path.  
  
"Harry! Harry wait-". Ron called placing one hand on the tree. One second  
he was in Hermione's back yard, the next who knows where.  
  
********************  
  
Ron spun further and further down into the abyss. Lots of strange stuff  
past  
by him, mostly words like E=MC2, Elvis Ate Here, or Is That Your Final  
Answer?. He landed roughly next to a beech tree, it's leaves had Bertie  
Bott's Beans on them, to see a small, scrawny cat in front of him, smiling.  
It was...Mrs. Norris?  
  
"Hey Cat, where'd Harry go?".  
  
Mrs. Norris just stared at Ron, with that insane grin upon it's face.  
  
" A lot help you are! You've been the best, I don't know how in the world  
I'll repay you!". Ron muttered, extremely sarcastic. He jogged after Harry,  
but not before giving that useless cat a good kick.  
  
Ron was starting to gain on Harry, his long body was coming in handy.  
"Harry! Come on, what's the bloody probl-Oof!".  
Ron had run into the most stupid pair of people known in wonderland,  
Tweedle-Dee, and Tweedle-Dum. To Ron, they looked strangely like Crabbe and  
Goyle.  
  
"Oh great! What do you two gits want?" Ron exploded, his temper rising.  
  
"We want? This has nothing to--". Crabbe started. "--with us. It's Mr.  
Hatter who wants to see you". Goyle finished.  
  
"Mr. Hatter? As in MAD Hatter?".  
  
"Mad? He's not really mad is he? He's---". Crabbe began, shaking his head  
dumbly. "---just a bit delusion sometimes". Goyle completed.  
  
Ron gave the two of them a strange look. "Do you dunderheads always finish  
each other's sentences?".  
  
"Only when--". "--we feel up to it. You come now".  
  
What choice did poor Ickle Ronniekins have? The two were much bigger than  
him! So Ron had to meet the Mad Hatter.  
Ron was forced into a chair much to small for him, as a teacup was placed  
in his hand. This, "Mad Hatter" had his back to him.  
  
"So what do you want with me, eh?".  
  
"My dear boy, it's tea time. No one should be off by themselves at tea  
time!!".  
  
Ron snorted. "Well, I didn't mean to get here you know. If I knew where the  
exit was I'd be out of here before you could say "Happy Birthday!'.  
  
The Mad Hatter spun around. Ron's first thought was this was one screwed up  
place, his second was that they had gotten the characters to match at  
least. Malfoy's face broke a smile.  
  
"It's your birthday?? You never told me!!! Ohhhhhh...A very happyth  
birthday...to you! To you! A very happyth birthday...".  
  
As Mad Malfoy danced around the tables, singing horribly and occasionally  
hugging Ron, Ron used this chance to do one thing. Run away!!! He didn't  
stop running until he reached a sign which read: To Castle~1 mile, To  
Austrialia~2345340 miles, To The Twilight Zone~You're in it.  
  
"And they say he's not mad, bunch of cods wallop".  
  
"You there! Stop in the name of the Queen!".  
  
Ron turned around, and groaned. Great, just great. An army of house elves.  
General Dobby, his clothes marked with a heart, was rushing towards him  
wielding a sword.  
  
"Seize the stranger! Bring him to the Queen of Hearts!" Dobby squeaked, as  
several other house elves, with diamonds on their uniform, held his arms  
back. "My head will be safe tonight!".  
  
Ron frowned, as the little creatures forced him to walk.  
  
"You mind telling me just who this Royal pain in the ass is?" Ron spat,  
just as a guard who looked a lot like Winky poked him rather hard in the  
back.  
  
"You will show respect for her Majesty! She has been so kind to us lowly  
cards, we get sick leaves and pensions and everything!  
  
  
Ron felt sick to his stomach. Surely it couldn't be......  
  
********************  
  
Ron was led up to the castle, shaped like a huge heart. He thought he saw  
Harry, Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle, his parents, oh so many people he knew in the  
crowd. Was this some alternate universe?  
  
Her Royal Highness, sat on a golden throne, her face hidden by a red fan.  
The King, which had the uncanny appearance of Victor Krum, sat nervously  
beside her.  
  
"Is this the stranger from above?". She asked, her voice seemed familiar to  
Ron.  
  
Dobby nodded vigorously. "It is, your Highness".  
  
The Queen lowered the fan, just enough to show her brown eyes. She surveyed  
Ron with interest.  
"A redhead? This pleases me. Be rid of the other, Off with his Head!!!!  
  
Ron watched in wonder as his he was released, and the King was dragged out  
of the room. He turned to the Queen, and crossed his arms over his chest,  
demanding an answer.  
"What the bloody hell is going on here?".  
  
The Queen placed the fan away, her golden crown glinting from the top of  
her bushy brown hair. Ron's mouth dropped.  
"H-Hermione???". He asked, his eyes wide.  
  
"That is Queen Hermione to you my King". She replied, patting the chair  
beside her.  
  
"Yea whatever "Queen" Hermione, look I want to go...what? I-I'm KING?". Ron  
defiantly felt sick.  
  
Hermione looked at Ron if he was crazy. "Of course. Victor is boring, he  
would not dare insult me. You are interesting, and handsome. A worthy  
king".  
  
Ron started to look for an exit. "Look 'Mione, don't get me wrong. I do  
love you, but I happen to like the real you, not the heart obsessed, king  
killer, house elf liberator, well the real you is one anyway---, wonderland  
freak! So I'm going to go now!".  
  
At this Ron started to run. He ran past Harry, who whispered to Malfoy "You  
don't think he's late do you?". He ran out of the entrance hall, Hermione's  
shouts of "Go after him! Bring my King back!" ringing in his ears. He ran  
past the tea table, shuddering as he remembered Malfoy's singing. He didn't  
stop running until he reached the beech tree. After several minutes of hard  
looking, he failed to find anything that looked like a magic portal.  
Sighing, and wondering how long it would be before Dobby and the rest of  
the guards caught up to him, Ron plopped next to the tree. The tree shook  
violently, and several Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans crashed on his  
head.  
  
"Just my dumb luck....".  
  
Ron stared. There is was, the start to all this madness. That cursed purple  
bean. Ron picked it up, his stomach growling, and popped it into his mouth.  
Accepting his fate, he leaned back against the tree, and waited for the  
guards.  
  
********************  
  
"Ron, wake up! Oh come off it, the movie wasn't so boring that you had to  
take a nap was it? Wake up you silly prat, Harry is here!".  
  
Ron blinked himself awake, to see Hermione smiling down at him. Next to her  
was Harry, his scar peeking though the mess of black hair.  
  
"Hermione? Harry? What's going on? Wonderland...and Malfoy singing, make it  
stop!!!  
  
Harry gave Ron a once over. "You all right there?"  
  
"I'm fine, I-I think. You didn't by chance come over earlier today did  
you?"  
  
Harry shook his head. "Nope, The Dursleys keep me busy".  
  
Hermione frowned. "You sure you're feeling well?". She reached up and with  
the back of her hand felt his temperature.  
  
Ron knew he was going as red as his hair. "I'm sure. I just had a nasty  
dream, your guys were in it". He stammered, making Hermione put her hand  
down. He saw Harry smirk, noticing his reaction.  
  
"Did you? Well, You missed the whole movie! And you didn't get to see my  
favorite character, The Queen of Hearts".  
  
Ron had to stifle a laugh, and muttered to himself. "Oh no I didn't. I met  
her face-to-face".  
  
"What was that?". Hermione asked.  
  
"Nothing". Ron said quickly.  
  
Hermione and Harry helped Ron to his feet, as Hermione dragged them both up  
to show them her room. Before he walked up the stairs, he made a mental  
note to himself. Never eat wizard candy, and watch muggle movies at the  
same time. They don't mix.  
  
  
Fin  
  
  
A/N: Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please,  
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please,  
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, Please,  
Please, Please, Please, Please, Please, say this was funny!!! I tried my  
best! Review!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ciao!~ChoChangGirl  



End file.
